Itachi's Life IN HELL
by AngelicStrike
Summary: Itachi, welcome to hell man. Itachi raising Dan and Tsunade with Natsumi. Rated M for later chapters, maybe, also some swearing. Sequel to Itachi the Reluctant Fathe by Me
1. Welcome to Hell, Now with 50 More Flame

Disclaimer: No I do not own Naruto, so all your lawyers can get lost

Warnings, same as prequel

Thinking Kyuubi Kyuubi thoughts 

Speaking

Ranting: YAY! I gots 20 reviews, the highest I've ever gotten. But seems like a lot of people didn't read the A/N chapter, oh well. I'll just make it about the kid's lives, so this will probably be a long running project, hopefully. The back-story is pretty self-explanatory. Please R/R or else I'll sic my sister on you, trust me, she's a bitch

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'_My God, what have I gotten myself into' _was the first thought that came into Itachi Uchiha's mind as soon as he stepped into Natsumi's house (Tsunade gave her one because of the kids). _'Must…resist…urge…to…kill…everyone…again' _anyone would think that, except for the "again part" unless you're a genocidal maniac, if you just walked into a house and two one month old partially demonically powered babies latched onto your leg screaming DADA!! over and over again. Poor, poor Itachi's ears couldn't last forever against that…So Natsumi hit him over the head with a magical sock monkey, then woke him up with some pocky, chocolate pocky. Years of training and reflexes kicked in and Itachi's hand and mouth instantly reached for the pocky. "No pocky before supper" Natsumi said in a voice that eerily reminded Itachi of his currently deceased mother. Itachi would soon find out how tight of a household Natsumi ran, but things 'loosened up' (wink wink) at night in the bedroom when she got bored. "Since tonight is a special night, because your deadbeat of a father finally, if unwillingly, came home, were going out to eat!" "WAMEN?"(That's how babies talk…I think) the twins asked excitedly. "YUP! Ramen alright!" _'Oh God, kill me now'_ Itachi thought as he was dragged out the door to Ichiraku's Ramen _'Maybe I should have taken the second after all…' _I think Itachi is going emo (no offence meant to emo people)

_**SCENE BREAK! At Ichiraku Ramen**_

'_God shoot me now' _Suddenly a little red laser dot appeared on Itachi's forehead, but God was interrupted by a phone call (A/N This is taken from family guy also not mine). This was hell for Itachi. Neither Natsumi nor the Babies had any what so ever type of table manners. No peace or quiet, just hell. _'Damn karmatric retribution to hell' _this is what you get Itachi. _'Why me?' _The voice of Kami and the Shinigami sounded at the same time saying; "NOW YOU FEEL OUR PAIN!" " WHAT WAS THAT?! The wife of the Shinigami and the wife of Kami yelled out.

After all that (no not the show) Natsumi and the babies were finally done, polishing off an astounding 53 bowls of ramen. Where they put it, is a mystery to everyone. After finishing their meal, yes, even Itachi ate something, they went home, where Natsumi tried to lay down the ground rules. Tried being the key word. A nice little distraction in the form of Chicken head- I mean Sasuke Uchiha came and tried to do the whole "avenger thing" and kill Weasel boy- I mean Itachi. Natsumi knocked both of them out with the magical sock upgraded to THE MAGICAL SOCK MONKEY OF DOOM! After waking them up and putting the babies to bed, she kindly told (read: sadistically and evilly, with some help from Kyuubi) Sasuke that if anyone, other than herself, harmed her _loving and caring _(cough cough) husband Itachi, they would meet the second choice that was presented to Itachi only, she wouldn't let them die, then she would do it all over again, then after a thousand times, she would let them die. Then she booted him out of the house with a Kyuubi enhanced kick to the crouch (All male onlookers shudder, including Itachi). "Anata dear, time for bed" Natsumi said, dragging out the sentence and adding a flirtatious wink at the end, revealing some cleavage. Itachi passed out with a nosebleed, having never been exposed to anything perverted in his life. Natsumi sighed, Dan and Tsunade's little brothers and sisters could wait another night or two… on second thought, maybe she can get some tonight. She pulled back THE MAGICAL SOCK MONKEY OF DOOM and got out some pocky and went towards Itachi…

Welcome to hell Itachi, (big demonic voice) WELCOME TO HELL!

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Love it hate it? Want to kill my family and me for it? Just R&R

I'll try to make longer chapters next times.

LOOKING FOR A BETA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just pm me to sign up.


	2. Hell's Academy, Disease, and Weed

Disclaimer: Dammit do I look like I own Naruto? No I didn't think so, so be a good like reader and review. Please?

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Day 2

"Ita-koi, wake up, wake" Natsumi whispered

"Mmnn, no I don't wanna" Itachi replied back

"Wake up dammit of I'll pull out the MAGICAL SOCK MONKEY OF DOOM tm, then I slap you with a trout." She waved the trout in his face for good measure

With that declaration Itachi got up, went downstairs, got glockled (my own world it's glomped+tackled)

by Dan and Tsunade, and ate breakfast with minimal displays of whipped-ness. That was...until Natsumi brought up his current state of unemployment.

"Ita-koi, when are you going to get a job, because if we lose all our money, you're selling your body, and I'll be the handler?" Natsumi nonchalantly said.

"Whenever I get re-registered as a ninja, wait, what? Why am I the one being sold if I don't get a job?"

Itachi said, bewildered

"I have to stay home and take care of the twins, and also, you're the one with the international fan club." She Reasoned

The family proceeds to look out the window to a huge mob of fan boys and girls shouting for the 'evil manipulative bitch' to let him go.

'_First thing they've ever gotten right' Itachi thought_

"You're getting punished for that tonight" Natsumi said in reply to that thought.

"What?! You can read my mind?" He, duh, said

"I'm you're wife, I own you, bitch" Damn she got him there "Damn straight I do"

"oh, (Heavenly Father forgive me) God Fucking Dammit!" He swore

"There are children present! Itachi!" She scolded

"It's not like they can understand me, and I'm entitled to one free nonpunishable grope a day, if I'm gonna be stuck with you for the rest of eternity, I'm gonna make the best of it." he said as he grabbed her ass

"Mamma, Gawd Fucking Dwanmit" Both the twins parroted

"Aw, they're first words, sentences, and ...swear...words. Itachi you die for this. Start running bitch."

So Itachi Ran faster than Gai with all the gates open and weights of and was running from decent clothes. The interview was done and Itachi got his old position back, except he was demoted to ANBU squad's regular member and bitch. He was their teammate and bitch. He eventually inspired respect (read: deathly terror) into them and got his old position back. His was stilled whipped.

"Itachi, could you pass the peanut butter?" You know who this is, duh.

"Get it yourself" He shot back

"Ma-" She said, starting the phrase "MAGICAL SOCK MONKEY OF DOOM!"

"Would you like creamy or chunky?" He asked

"Creamy, please bitch." She swore, not caring if the kids heard

"No swearing around the kids, yeah, right." he said

Meanwhile...

"KIBA GET YOUR &$# FEET OFF THE TABLE! " Hinata shouted, using language that you didn't hear from me.

"SHIKAMARU DO THE DAMN DISHES ALREADY!" Temari pulled out her fan as she shouted this

"CHOUJI LEAVE SOME FOOD FOR THE REST OF US!" Ino bashed him over the head

"SHINO...uhh Shino, are you in there...uhh hello anybody home?" Hanabi (don't ask, and no one has to die, jk) asked, starting to become a little afraid

"Boo bitch" He popped out from behind her in all of his buggy glory, yeah, right.

"AHHHHHHHH!" Screaming, duh.

"SASUKE STOP TEACHING OUR KIDS TO KILL ITACHI!" Sakura pounded the ground, creating a crater as she did this.

"NEJI, STOP TELLING OUR KIDS TO HATE THE MAIN BRANCH!" Tenten shouted, kicking his balls for good measure.

Ahh, love is in the air and there's nothing these pitiful fools can do to stop it! BWHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA **hack cough choke bleed die** Good bye cruel world!

"Itachi how much money did you get this week?" Natsumi, duh.

"100,000 ryou" He replied

"Excellent, kukukukuku" She was doing an Orochimaru impression, we hope in a 'just kidding' manner.

"Need a cough drop?" He asked

"No" She replied

"What's this 'plan'" Itachi inquired

"...Quiet, you deadbeat son of a bitch, and get on the table, it's punishment time." Maybe tonight those brothers and sisters for Dan and Tsunade would arrive. Hehe.

TIME SKIP When The kids are 6

"Itachi, get up dammit, it's the kids first day of Ninja Academy" Came from Natsumi

"I could just teach them better here" She would not let them turn out like Itachi

"And let them turn out like you? Not a chance in Hell." She replied

"Can I teach them after school?" Oh, he was good, very good

"We both will." She commanded

'_Excellent'_

"Just to be there so you don't pull a you." She replied

"Another me?" WTF was she talking about

"Killing the whole clan thing." She answered

"oh" Damn there goes his escape plan

"Don't make me get out the whip" RUN FOR IT!

At the Academy

"Iruka-Sensei, you still teach here?" came the shocked voice of our blond Heroine

"Oh hell no, with all the money I saved up, I'm buying out Willie Wonka (also not mine). I'm just here to laugh in the poor face of the unlucky sap who gets suckered into my old job." Woah, what happened to nose bleeder?

"For how much are you buying out Orochi...Wonka?" This was new.

"More than your poor ass can afford, that's how much" Ouch

"Iruka-Sensei, are you alright?" Is he on drugs or something?

"Hell no, I got my hands on some weed, from that new dealer, I nicknamed him Chicken ass Hair Boy. Reminds me of Sasuke" Yes, yes he is.

"Hold on, lemme, go...talk to Sasuke for a moment, yeah that's right, talk." Damn Itachi could use that weed right about anytime, good thing he can just steal it

"Oh no, you're staying right here, bitch." Damn, what was he going to do now that he was bored? Rape someone? Wait, that was how he got into this hell, bad idea.

"Fine, dammit" There goes those ideas.

"Have Fun Kids! Don't maim anyone too bad!" Where's the fun in that?

"Yes go ahead, maim someone, please do, so I can watch something bleed. Bleed AND DIE!" Poor, poor Itachi.

"STFU Itachi, don't give them bad ideas." Damn

So the twins wandered into the Academy chanting 'More More I'm A whore'(I made that up, it's mine) Over and Over again.

"Guess they heard us last night" Weirdness.

"Yeah..." What is this author smoking?

"Told ya you screamed that a little TOO loudly." Probably something bad.

"Can I help it if I'm a screamer in bed?" Maybe Weed

"Yes" Or Crack

"Quiet Bitch" Or he's just a sick, twisted person.

" Yes, dear." Nah, he must be an angel. Wink, wink.

What Itachi Has Learned So Far:

Your Wife CAN read your mind.

Never piss her off.

Do everything she says, to the letter.

Kid's are notorious for mimicking everything, so don't screw up around them either.

Screamers find that their kids repeat stuff in school that aren't supposed to be repeated ANYWHERE!

Sex is a great stress reliever.

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A/N I tried to make it so it's easy to read, but i can only do so much without a beta, someone please sign up. Sign up in a review or pm me.

I'm gonna write in the claymore section, sometime soon, i hope. Read Claymore Manga, it's great. Trust me. Bloody, demons, and more. Please, I beg you. PLEASE! Remember, Reviewing makes me happier. Chapters hopefully written faster that way.


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